i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
