I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
