I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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