At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
