You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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