listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You left your underwear on the fireplace
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
