I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My dick has a subreddit
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize