just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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