dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
