I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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