Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
