so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
