UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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