you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize