Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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