nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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