I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
