Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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