I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
