i think i have herpe
just one?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
