I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
