I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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