my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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