So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Pooping to opera.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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