I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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