My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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