I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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