I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize