I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think people are normalizing furries
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
