Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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