i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize