I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
