Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
