My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
