Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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