u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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