So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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