WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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