Michael Bay diarrhea
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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