Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
