Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
