Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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