It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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