Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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