I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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