I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize