Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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