I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
