as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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