we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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