I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize