Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
