I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
