Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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