Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
