he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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