turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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