When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize