He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
