I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
