I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
