I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
