I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
