Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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